 |
| Excited for the warm weather again, even if it brings the rains. |
Firstly and most importantly, while living on the other side of the world,at least a full 16 hours from my family, my grandfather passed away. I admit that he was not in good health for a very long time and that his quality of life had declined along with it so it was not a "shock" as some might label it, but it was a sudden jolt. I can remember how involved he was in conversation and reading when I was younger but he seemed to give up on his life over time, and it was heartbreaking. Then when I heard he was ill and only days later in an unresponsive state I was a mess. Everyone else was home and there with him, but I was so far away... I was able to visit him while I was back in the States, but not for very long, and I wish I had been able to say goodbye or get some kind of closure. Right now, being over here is like a purgatory. I still love Korea, don't get me wrong, but it's keeping me from finding that end, that release that I need.Perhaps my thought aren't quite so clear right now, but I'm still working on this one.
I'm going to move on to something a little different now which is also very important. I've decided I am leaving Korea this year. I can't say that I have found a reason to leave Korea so much as I've found to many reasons I want to stay, if that makes sense. No? Let me explain *skip to the bottom for the abridged version, for you cliff note people out there*. I'm 23 (god it feels good to say that since I'm 25 in Korean Age), I graduated from college...almost two years ago. The outline of my life plan is more of an etch-a sketch at the moment. If I don't like one thing then I shake things up and start fresh. I am not one of those people who can say "this is what I have always wanted to do and I will be happy to stay in this kind of world and stick with my current views, values, ideals, and understanding of that world". I can't do it. I can't because I am supposed to leave the world a better place when I leave this world, and I think that I can't do that unless I learn enough to know what I believe is truly what I believe and not just what others tell me to believe.Make sense so far? Once I know what I believe it's my job to find a place in the world that will support me in what I believe is the right way to live my life in the way I want to be supported. Once I have my beliefs and find my place then I can slow down if I want. I can have a family if I want. I can do all the things that I will be ready for...once I am done learning. So you see, even though I am comfortable in Korea, happy, healthy; I can't stay here. I can't because if I stay I'll never be able to say "I don't need more", I will always want to leave and travel and it will never be enough and my life will ultimately suffer because of it. Some people want to get out of school, get married, have kids, live in that same town, and they will be perfectly happy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's just a different path than what I need. The only problem is the pressure here is enormous and the feeling that I don't want to let anyone down or seem ungrateful is overwhelming.
In short: love Korea, love the people, love the culture, love the food, love the music (you get the idea); but if I want to live here one day I have to first leave to see the rest of what the world can offer me.
In closing, it's been a hard month. Trying to study really hard, trying to go to the gym often, trying to keep up with the demands at work, and saying goodbye to lots of people in lots of different ways. The majority of my friends have gone back to the states with only a few still poking around with me like a beach clean-up crew.
Until next time, stay happy, and I hope the world treats you well...just remember to return the favor.
-Sara Jayne
No comments:
Post a Comment