It's difficult.
It's difficult to understand.
It's difficult to hear.
It's difficult to know.
It's difficult to see...what is happening.
It's hard to live 6,847 miles from your birthplace and see it turning into a kind of hostile war-zone. It's unreal to be here and read the news and remember all those horror stories of "dangerous" places with civil unrest you heard when you were younger and suddenly realize that one of those places is your home. And all the harm, the horror, seems to be without reason, without target, without motivation. Health, education, daily life is disrupted by the terrible symphony of iniquitous onomatopoeiae.
It's hard to have your family urge you to come home because they worry for your safety in another country when in reality your homeland is a bedlam.
It's hard to know humanity is not just going through a phase. It's hard to know that injustice and unrest is a world-wide phenomenon. It's hard to see the goodness and the righteousness in mankind.
But still I see it.
I see it in the face of everyone who is moved.
I see it in the hearts able to love unconditionally.
I see it in the minds open enough to shape an idea.
I see it in the hands clasped in peace.
I see it in the arms open to those in need.
When I talk to this one woman I feel like my eyes are forced open and re-sensitized to the light of the plight of mankind. No longer is it "luckily only a few people were killed" but "lives were lost". No longer am I in "another brick in the wall" mentality, but global gemeinschaft. My calluses have been buffed away from my heart and now all that remains is constant raw emotion. Pink and soft, easily injured, and easily pleased. I have given the world too much of my own senseless weight up until now to not take some back. So until my calluses return I will feel pain when the world feels pain and I will feel the joys of the world, even the simple joys. I realize my writing for the day is selfish, I know that. I benefit myself by speaking words that only I care if I read, and that they are all about how I am, and will continue to keep, evolving. But my words are out, and I can't/won't regret them. So I have done what I wanted to, which was to start.
To start actively thinking.
To start doing what feels right.
To start engaging myself in my surroundings.
To start each day without expectation.
To start by opening my ideas up to change.
To start becoming a person that I can be proud of.
And that's all. All I can ask of myself and all I have to say for now. I hope that in my life those things that are difficult now will change and the things that I see will multiply. I would say I hope that I see everything I start to the end, but that's a rather obvious outcome for anything one starts. So now I've come to my first of many endings.
Until next time,
Sara
Friday, April 19, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Moral Kombat
Let me preface this by saying I do not take death or killing lightly, that it is always tragic, and that death is never well deserved.
Every month or so something related to war pops up in the media. Some of it is about a war that the U.S. is involved in, some of it is about the ongoing struggles in Syria and the surrounding areas, but most recently it has been nervous discussions about North Korea. In times like these it is common to discuss the measures that should be taken to protect the country (whichever one you are in); but it makes me wonder what does it mean for those who are willing to die for their country? In the next few paragraphs I'm just going to ramble off my own idea(s) about war and morals; it's not perfectly formed, it's probably not going to be a well liked piece coming from a person like me, but I thought I would get it out there and maybe you can change my mind or help me develop it. So let me finish the opening paragraph by stating I do appreciate what I was given in the states, the life that I am able to lead including the opportunities given to me, and I have SO much respect for the armed forces; but living in Korea has made me wonder about some aspects of war.
One of the biggest problems, in my mind, is the way wars and enemies are so often portrayed as these mindless drones who have no control over their thoughts and feelings and that they are already dead on the inside so it doesn't matter what happens to them on the outside (this is, of course, a dramatized version of what the average person might think), but let's think about North Korea for a moment. Now, I am talking about it as an alien in South Korea who has only lived here for 2 years and only studied the history ever so slightly, i.e. I know very little about the situation. It could be that everyone, or the majority of people in the north, are all for a militaristic, all for one, do or die kind of attitude through and through. But in my heart I truly believe (or perhaps it is just a hope) that this is not the case. I believe that the vast majority think and believe in a free and peaceful life but are perhaps hiding this yearning, this view, out of fear of being discovered, even by their own family members and reported. So they join the army and fight for their country, proving their national pride lest their families disappear (believe me there are some horror stories that have leaked out of the past few years). The motive is not, then, 'kill the other guy' but rather 'keep my family (mother, father, children, wife, etc.) safe'. So while we are fighting to keep our loved ones safe at home they are doing the same.
Ok so with that out of the way let me get to my main point of this post. In South Korea it is mandatory for all men to receive a basic military training since they are still in a state of "war", a basic preparatory draft. And with mandatory drafts I always have to wonder who is fighting to live and who is dying not to fight? Or in other words who is a "soldier" who is willing to fight for life and country, and who is just a wo/man who wants to go home to a loving family? And then I started wondering about how many men and women around the world in voluntary or compulsory army service are capable of killing another human being just for the sake of their own survival, and is it something they know they are capable of when they sign up? Of course it is the survival of the country back home that they are serving, but in moments of face-to-face combat it is really their own life they are fighting for.
I used to have a friend who would say 'You have to kill them before they kill you.' but is it really that simple? I honestly don't think it is, and here's one of the reasons why. As we were taught in school fight or flight is a human being's natural response to sudden stressful situations, but generations of humans have been forced into a fight situation by death threats if they were to flee as their natural response may be. Even today there is this pressure to fight and not give in to one's flight mode for fear of dishonorable discharges, charges of treason and far worse. Of course the thought is that people don't sign up for service as a soldier thinking "I will never have to fight", but how does that person know that their natural response to said fight won't be to say "RUN!". What happens after this completely natural response is squelched for fear of repercussions?
After having this "flight" mode suppressed I have to wonder if we have not developed a sacrificial sympathy. It is a sad thing to die, certainly a terrible one if it is the result of fear and/or hate, but I wonder if amidst all that anger and passion that someone doesn't, for a split second, consider the other wo/man's life over theirs; after all, compassion has the word passion stuck right in it so why should it not be considered as strong or stronger than fear or hate? So I can't help but wonder about possible sudden moralistic "attacks" if you will. I am not saying that this fictitious person wanted to die, or that they chose to give up the sense of their own mortality, just that they held the weight of someone else's mortality and found it to be too heavy. That for a moment they didn't consider the moral implications of killing, but rather considered simply that all life is precious, the opposing soldier's as well as their own.
We, perhaps not everyone but a great number of civilians, view soldiers as these hard people who fight for our country with pride and no fear for they are doing what they know is right and what they believe in. But isn't it possible that these soldiers are also extremely compassionate and that because of that compassion some end up losing their lives? Perhaps they died not just fighting for their country but with compassion for all human life.And perhaps with this thought in mind we can try to view our armed forces with a little more compassion. After all it's who has the heart that makes a great person, not who has the gun.
And that's the end my friends. Take it or leave it. Ask questions, make comments, but please be constructive not destructive. I would rather discuss differing views than defend personal "facts". As always I hope the world is kind to you ^^
-Sara Jayne
Every month or so something related to war pops up in the media. Some of it is about a war that the U.S. is involved in, some of it is about the ongoing struggles in Syria and the surrounding areas, but most recently it has been nervous discussions about North Korea. In times like these it is common to discuss the measures that should be taken to protect the country (whichever one you are in); but it makes me wonder what does it mean for those who are willing to die for their country? In the next few paragraphs I'm just going to ramble off my own idea(s) about war and morals; it's not perfectly formed, it's probably not going to be a well liked piece coming from a person like me, but I thought I would get it out there and maybe you can change my mind or help me develop it. So let me finish the opening paragraph by stating I do appreciate what I was given in the states, the life that I am able to lead including the opportunities given to me, and I have SO much respect for the armed forces; but living in Korea has made me wonder about some aspects of war.
One of the biggest problems, in my mind, is the way wars and enemies are so often portrayed as these mindless drones who have no control over their thoughts and feelings and that they are already dead on the inside so it doesn't matter what happens to them on the outside (this is, of course, a dramatized version of what the average person might think), but let's think about North Korea for a moment. Now, I am talking about it as an alien in South Korea who has only lived here for 2 years and only studied the history ever so slightly, i.e. I know very little about the situation. It could be that everyone, or the majority of people in the north, are all for a militaristic, all for one, do or die kind of attitude through and through. But in my heart I truly believe (or perhaps it is just a hope) that this is not the case. I believe that the vast majority think and believe in a free and peaceful life but are perhaps hiding this yearning, this view, out of fear of being discovered, even by their own family members and reported. So they join the army and fight for their country, proving their national pride lest their families disappear (believe me there are some horror stories that have leaked out of the past few years). The motive is not, then, 'kill the other guy' but rather 'keep my family (mother, father, children, wife, etc.) safe'. So while we are fighting to keep our loved ones safe at home they are doing the same.
Ok so with that out of the way let me get to my main point of this post. In South Korea it is mandatory for all men to receive a basic military training since they are still in a state of "war", a basic preparatory draft. And with mandatory drafts I always have to wonder who is fighting to live and who is dying not to fight? Or in other words who is a "soldier" who is willing to fight for life and country, and who is just a wo/man who wants to go home to a loving family? And then I started wondering about how many men and women around the world in voluntary or compulsory army service are capable of killing another human being just for the sake of their own survival, and is it something they know they are capable of when they sign up? Of course it is the survival of the country back home that they are serving, but in moments of face-to-face combat it is really their own life they are fighting for.
I used to have a friend who would say 'You have to kill them before they kill you.' but is it really that simple? I honestly don't think it is, and here's one of the reasons why. As we were taught in school fight or flight is a human being's natural response to sudden stressful situations, but generations of humans have been forced into a fight situation by death threats if they were to flee as their natural response may be. Even today there is this pressure to fight and not give in to one's flight mode for fear of dishonorable discharges, charges of treason and far worse. Of course the thought is that people don't sign up for service as a soldier thinking "I will never have to fight", but how does that person know that their natural response to said fight won't be to say "RUN!". What happens after this completely natural response is squelched for fear of repercussions?
After having this "flight" mode suppressed I have to wonder if we have not developed a sacrificial sympathy. It is a sad thing to die, certainly a terrible one if it is the result of fear and/or hate, but I wonder if amidst all that anger and passion that someone doesn't, for a split second, consider the other wo/man's life over theirs; after all, compassion has the word passion stuck right in it so why should it not be considered as strong or stronger than fear or hate? So I can't help but wonder about possible sudden moralistic "attacks" if you will. I am not saying that this fictitious person wanted to die, or that they chose to give up the sense of their own mortality, just that they held the weight of someone else's mortality and found it to be too heavy. That for a moment they didn't consider the moral implications of killing, but rather considered simply that all life is precious, the opposing soldier's as well as their own.
We, perhaps not everyone but a great number of civilians, view soldiers as these hard people who fight for our country with pride and no fear for they are doing what they know is right and what they believe in. But isn't it possible that these soldiers are also extremely compassionate and that because of that compassion some end up losing their lives? Perhaps they died not just fighting for their country but with compassion for all human life.And perhaps with this thought in mind we can try to view our armed forces with a little more compassion. After all it's who has the heart that makes a great person, not who has the gun.
And that's the end my friends. Take it or leave it. Ask questions, make comments, but please be constructive not destructive. I would rather discuss differing views than defend personal "facts". As always I hope the world is kind to you ^^
-Sara Jayne
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Ten score at Twenny-fore
Today I'm 24, nearly 1/4 of a century of time has passed in my lifetime. This entry is about the ten things that are the most important to me right now. It should be noted that though these ten thoughts are listed out now they are allowed to change, and perhaps that is the overlying theme. Change is necessary, inevitable, and often beautiful.So here's the score of things I am working on in my life.
1. Never stop making friends.This is a widely known cliche that everyone says is SO hard to do. But I think they take it the wrong way. It seems to me that people don't realize that making friends does not mean meet new people. When you make new friends think about all of the people you know, even the ones maybe you call your "friends" and consider if you are really friends with them or just acquaintances. So, instead of feeling as though you will never make NEW friends, make plans with a person you already know OF but don't really know.
2. Trust in kindness.This past winter I started to realize how closed off from the world I had become. My family raised me with, what some might consider to be, an unnecessarily strong sense of fear. I heard all kinds of scary, terrible stories of bad things happening to those who are good because the world is full of dark and terrible people. Well, I am here to say that it is not. Are there bad people, most definitely, but full of them the world is not. Here is my theory; if we trust in people, in humans, to be kind and helpful and understanding then we can approach them with the same goodness.Does that mean call up that axe murderer next door and invite him to your blade-sharpening PJ party? No, common sense is still kind of important. But have faith that other people are as kind as you are, or kinder.
3. Take care.This seems pretty easy but actually I fell off the wagon of "taking care" of my body. I forgot to listen to her, and to give her love and attention in order to understand what she deserves. So now I am back on track; making healthy meals, exercising regularly, reading almost every night, and filling up the days with things I am interested in. Don't forget on the other side to take care of those who need it in your life.Don't worry about whether or not it is fair to you, or consider the person to be in your debt, do it because you hope they would do it for you thus at the same time taking care of your conscience and esteem.
4. Admit you don't know. This one is a personal hurdle. I have an EXTREMELY difficult time admitting that I don't know something. It comes from a deep childhood fear when doing my homework. Looking down at the paper in front of me with not a clue to what is going on until someone says "Don't you know?"or worse, sitting in expectant silence.You have two choices, say "I don't know" and get an "Are you stupid?!" response or pretend to know but you just don't want to do it so the response is now "Stop being lazy." So of course the right choice is the latter, After all, it's better to be lazy than stupid right? Looking back I HATE this way of thinking, and I am the biggest offender I know of. We all know SO little about the little that we know as human beings how DARE someone comment on another being's intelligence.I am making it my daily work to begin saying "I don't know" more often and if someone doesn't inform me of whatever I don't know then I am going to find out. So it's not just admitting you don't know but having the drive to then try to learn about that thing.
5. Don't expect others to treat you the way you want or deserve to be treated; but treat them well anyways.I find that a LOT of people treat others how they want to be treated until they don't get "treated" or "thanked" enough. Stop doing things for the gratitude or recognition. If you want to be noticed as a good person or as someones equal you can do that by leading a life true to your standards. And even then if you don't get what you want realize that at least you can live with who you are and how you live your life. There are plenty of people out there who have everything they want except true contentment with themselves.Life isn't about being the better person, but treating others as better people.
6. Value your time. You have a limited time on this earth and it is whizzing past you constantly, so why waste your time doing things you don't like or doing things that make you feel bad. This is one of those lessons that my job this year has taught me. I've caught myself in the middle of class going into a kind of automatic mode while daydreaming about all the awesome things I could be doing, or that I want to be doing. I've realized that I shouldn't be daydreaming about these things but rather doing them!
7. Learn a skill. Lots of people nowadays just have their job, maybe a pet, or video game and perhaps a spouse. These are fun/important things(fun = video games<important) to keep life interesting and whatnot, but we have fallen into a pit of stodgy banality. Let's crawl out of the pit with a little zest!Learning a new skill could be a language, it could be drawing, it could be be anything self taught or taught by another person, but learn how to create something until you can pass it on to others so they can pass it on, and so on and so forth.
8. Be scared. I HATE being scared. It is one of the only feelings I try to avoid as often as possible, but I have come to realize that thanks to the feeling of fear I am able to understand what is important and what is passing through my life. An example would be when I first came to Korea. I wasn't scared for the first year I was here, but the minute I stepped on the plane to go home I was terrified. I thought "What if I can never come back? What if I never see these people again? What if after I come back it is different and I hate it? What if I never make it back because the plane falls straight out of the sky?" (Dramatic? Of course, but is there any other way?) But the beauty of the fear was that it told me that I wasn't ready to go yet, that I still had work to do and lessons to learn in Korea. So here I am scared again, that I won't make it to France, and now I know what I have to do.
9. Take the time to say "No" and don't give in. Another thing I am working on. I can say "NO" to myself with little to no problem, but when it comes to other people I need to learn to turn them down or make myself heard. Basically if someone asks me anything that I can answer yes or no my answer is almost always "yes". So what I need to work on is not giving a response immediately. I need to say "let me think about it" and if the answer is "no" then say it and don't let the other party sway my decision.
10. Take a hold of your youth. I am far too young physically and mentally for so many things. I could not raise a child or have a husband, own a house or take care of the lawn, I could barely even keep a potted plant alive and prospering at this point in my life. So my goals are a bit different from some of the people I know (note: neither are good or bad goals, just different goals for different people). I want to travel and learn and cook and eat and meet new people, have my eyes opened even when they're shut tight, breathe in the different scents of the seasons and the places I live. I want to make sure that I never go to bed saying "today was just another day.", instead I want to feel that I made the most out of the time I was given. It's the right time to do things on a whim, sell everything I own and travel or stay home and cook a huge meal by myself and pack my fridge full of leftovers that will be lost in the back of the crisper until I move out, meet up with friends and do absolutely nothing but lay in the grass and listen to each other breathe, or have noisy games of frisbee and hide and seek, just appreciate every moment for what it is. I know that if I do this, when I am old, I will look back and say I have lived every moment exactly how I wanted to.
That's the end of my "let's grow old and happy" list. I'm sure it will change and there will be a whole new ten next year. Who knows maybe I'll even do a complete 360 from this year. Much love from Korea.
-Sara
1. Never stop making friends.This is a widely known cliche that everyone says is SO hard to do. But I think they take it the wrong way. It seems to me that people don't realize that making friends does not mean meet new people. When you make new friends think about all of the people you know, even the ones maybe you call your "friends" and consider if you are really friends with them or just acquaintances. So, instead of feeling as though you will never make NEW friends, make plans with a person you already know OF but don't really know.
2. Trust in kindness.This past winter I started to realize how closed off from the world I had become. My family raised me with, what some might consider to be, an unnecessarily strong sense of fear. I heard all kinds of scary, terrible stories of bad things happening to those who are good because the world is full of dark and terrible people. Well, I am here to say that it is not. Are there bad people, most definitely, but full of them the world is not. Here is my theory; if we trust in people, in humans, to be kind and helpful and understanding then we can approach them with the same goodness.Does that mean call up that axe murderer next door and invite him to your blade-sharpening PJ party? No, common sense is still kind of important. But have faith that other people are as kind as you are, or kinder.
3. Take care.This seems pretty easy but actually I fell off the wagon of "taking care" of my body. I forgot to listen to her, and to give her love and attention in order to understand what she deserves. So now I am back on track; making healthy meals, exercising regularly, reading almost every night, and filling up the days with things I am interested in. Don't forget on the other side to take care of those who need it in your life.Don't worry about whether or not it is fair to you, or consider the person to be in your debt, do it because you hope they would do it for you thus at the same time taking care of your conscience and esteem.
4. Admit you don't know. This one is a personal hurdle. I have an EXTREMELY difficult time admitting that I don't know something. It comes from a deep childhood fear when doing my homework. Looking down at the paper in front of me with not a clue to what is going on until someone says "Don't you know?"or worse, sitting in expectant silence.You have two choices, say "I don't know" and get an "Are you stupid?!" response or pretend to know but you just don't want to do it so the response is now "Stop being lazy." So of course the right choice is the latter, After all, it's better to be lazy than stupid right? Looking back I HATE this way of thinking, and I am the biggest offender I know of. We all know SO little about the little that we know as human beings how DARE someone comment on another being's intelligence.I am making it my daily work to begin saying "I don't know" more often and if someone doesn't inform me of whatever I don't know then I am going to find out. So it's not just admitting you don't know but having the drive to then try to learn about that thing.
5. Don't expect others to treat you the way you want or deserve to be treated; but treat them well anyways.I find that a LOT of people treat others how they want to be treated until they don't get "treated" or "thanked" enough. Stop doing things for the gratitude or recognition. If you want to be noticed as a good person or as someones equal you can do that by leading a life true to your standards. And even then if you don't get what you want realize that at least you can live with who you are and how you live your life. There are plenty of people out there who have everything they want except true contentment with themselves.Life isn't about being the better person, but treating others as better people.
6. Value your time. You have a limited time on this earth and it is whizzing past you constantly, so why waste your time doing things you don't like or doing things that make you feel bad. This is one of those lessons that my job this year has taught me. I've caught myself in the middle of class going into a kind of automatic mode while daydreaming about all the awesome things I could be doing, or that I want to be doing. I've realized that I shouldn't be daydreaming about these things but rather doing them!
7. Learn a skill. Lots of people nowadays just have their job, maybe a pet, or video game and perhaps a spouse. These are fun/important things(fun = video games<important) to keep life interesting and whatnot, but we have fallen into a pit of stodgy banality. Let's crawl out of the pit with a little zest!Learning a new skill could be a language, it could be drawing, it could be be anything self taught or taught by another person, but learn how to create something until you can pass it on to others so they can pass it on, and so on and so forth.
8. Be scared. I HATE being scared. It is one of the only feelings I try to avoid as often as possible, but I have come to realize that thanks to the feeling of fear I am able to understand what is important and what is passing through my life. An example would be when I first came to Korea. I wasn't scared for the first year I was here, but the minute I stepped on the plane to go home I was terrified. I thought "What if I can never come back? What if I never see these people again? What if after I come back it is different and I hate it? What if I never make it back because the plane falls straight out of the sky?" (Dramatic? Of course, but is there any other way?) But the beauty of the fear was that it told me that I wasn't ready to go yet, that I still had work to do and lessons to learn in Korea. So here I am scared again, that I won't make it to France, and now I know what I have to do.
9. Take the time to say "No" and don't give in. Another thing I am working on. I can say "NO" to myself with little to no problem, but when it comes to other people I need to learn to turn them down or make myself heard. Basically if someone asks me anything that I can answer yes or no my answer is almost always "yes". So what I need to work on is not giving a response immediately. I need to say "let me think about it" and if the answer is "no" then say it and don't let the other party sway my decision.
10. Take a hold of your youth. I am far too young physically and mentally for so many things. I could not raise a child or have a husband, own a house or take care of the lawn, I could barely even keep a potted plant alive and prospering at this point in my life. So my goals are a bit different from some of the people I know (note: neither are good or bad goals, just different goals for different people). I want to travel and learn and cook and eat and meet new people, have my eyes opened even when they're shut tight, breathe in the different scents of the seasons and the places I live. I want to make sure that I never go to bed saying "today was just another day.", instead I want to feel that I made the most out of the time I was given. It's the right time to do things on a whim, sell everything I own and travel or stay home and cook a huge meal by myself and pack my fridge full of leftovers that will be lost in the back of the crisper until I move out, meet up with friends and do absolutely nothing but lay in the grass and listen to each other breathe, or have noisy games of frisbee and hide and seek, just appreciate every moment for what it is. I know that if I do this, when I am old, I will look back and say I have lived every moment exactly how I wanted to.
That's the end of my "let's grow old and happy" list. I'm sure it will change and there will be a whole new ten next year. Who knows maybe I'll even do a complete 360 from this year. Much love from Korea.
-Sara
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