It's difficult.
It's difficult to understand.
It's difficult to hear.
It's difficult to know.
It's difficult to see...what is happening.
It's hard to live 6,847 miles from your birthplace and see it turning into a kind of hostile war-zone. It's unreal to be here and read the news and remember all those horror stories of "dangerous" places with civil unrest you heard when you were younger and suddenly realize that one of those places is your home. And all the harm, the horror, seems to be without reason, without target, without motivation. Health, education, daily life is disrupted by the terrible symphony of iniquitous onomatopoeiae.
It's hard to have your family urge you to come home because they worry for your safety in another country when in reality your homeland is a bedlam.
It's hard to know humanity is not just going through a phase. It's hard to know that injustice and unrest is a world-wide phenomenon. It's hard to see the goodness and the righteousness in mankind.
But still I see it.
I see it in the face of everyone who is moved.
I see it in the hearts able to love unconditionally.
I see it in the minds open enough to shape an idea.
I see it in the hands clasped in peace.
I see it in the arms open to those in need.
When I talk to this one woman I feel like my eyes are forced open and re-sensitized to the light of the plight of mankind. No longer is it "luckily only a few people were killed" but "lives were lost". No longer am I in "another brick in the wall" mentality, but global gemeinschaft. My calluses have been buffed away from my heart and now all that remains is constant raw emotion. Pink and soft, easily injured, and easily pleased. I have given the world too much of my own senseless weight up until now to not take some back. So until my calluses return I will feel pain when the world feels pain and I will feel the joys of the world, even the simple joys. I realize my writing for the day is selfish, I know that. I benefit myself by speaking words that only I care if I read, and that they are all about how I am, and will continue to keep, evolving. But my words are out, and I can't/won't regret them. So I have done what I wanted to, which was to start.
To start actively thinking.
To start doing what feels right.
To start engaging myself in my surroundings.
To start each day without expectation.
To start by opening my ideas up to change.
To start becoming a person that I can be proud of.
And that's all. All I can ask of myself and all I have to say for now. I hope that in my life those things that are difficult now will change and the things that I see will multiply. I would say I hope that I see everything I start to the end, but that's a rather obvious outcome for anything one starts. So now I've come to my first of many endings.
Until next time,
Sara
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